Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
