You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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