I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Randomize
