I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
