i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
