i'm signing you up for texting rehab
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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