my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Reggie can tackle my bush.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
