You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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