i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
