hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
