Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
