I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
