My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Randomize
