We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
