I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
