Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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