I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
