no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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