Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
