If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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