I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
