High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
