speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
