i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
