Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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