Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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