I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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