I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Pants are for mortals
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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