I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
