my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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