You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Green mimosas i think yes
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
