OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
