fuck your aforementioned shoe
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
