every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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