when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
