Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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