So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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