i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
