just tell him i said nine months
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
