You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
