I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
