I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
