Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
