The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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