this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
