so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
