god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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