A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You're so nebulous sometimes
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
