I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
