Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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