Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
