Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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